I will receive commission on any sales made on my blog. To learn more, read my disclosure policy.
Here I am again. Back to where I started. It seems that every time I feel like I am making progress with two steps forward, this happens again and I feel like I slide all the way back to the starting line. I don’t like it at all, but I can’t blame anyone else…because it is all my fault.
I know many people in my life probably can’t see me doing this…maybe because I try my best to act my best around others? Perhaps it is because I never tell others about this issue, this reoccuring struggle that hurts others (a.k.a. my parents).
It is like I put on this mask of “I’m perfect” for others, because I’m afraid of them seeing who I really am. It is dreadfully tiresome to always have this mask on, but I do it, because I don’t want you to think ill of me. Is this philosophy wrong? YES! 100% YES! Why do I do this? Because I am a “pleaser of man”, which I must change…
my reoccuring struggles
I guess this all started when I was about six months old? The whole fighting-with-my-parents-to-get-my-own-way never needed teaching. I had it from the get-go. I don’t know why. It wasn’t like I had older siblings who taught me how to do act this way, or parents who displayed the same character trait. Was it a curse? A blessing? I doubt it was a blessing…
The older I got the more of a problem it became. I was head-strong and as strong-willed as all get-out. If my parents told me not to do one thing, I’d see how close I could come to doing exactly what they told me not to do just to see what was wrong, or how far I could get before bumping into my boundaries.
I challenged them often, thinking I knew better than them (this still happens occasionally) and this was before I even hit the “rebellious teen” stage.
It was as if I would walk the opposite way my parents told me to go, just in spite of what they said.
I was a dishonoring and disrespectful child, and still struggle with these things to this day.
why do i do it?
I would really love to change this, because I hate doing it. It hurts my parents, but it also hurts me. (I don’t really think about the hurt in the heat of the moment, but after a while, it begins to sting).
I would say that the root of the problem is more that one thing. A combination of things.
1. If I go deep enough, I know that one of the major things that keeps getting me in this predicament is my pride. I’ve struggled with pride for as long as I can remember. I always felt satisfaction whenever I would beat my brother in a competition (i still do), or whenever I was proven right when someone else was shown they were wrong. I wasn’t going to ask you for money, because that would make me look bad. I wasn’t going to tell you all my dirty little secrets, because I want you to think the best of me.
2. I’m sure if you dig around more, you’ll find that I’m also selfish. I despise selfish people, because their actions reek, but I feel very sick to think I’m selfish, too. I try my best to push this down…way down…inside, so others can’t see it (pride) and so I don’t look like many other selfish people (pride, again). This feeling of selfishness starts creeping its way up when one of my younger brothers get things that I don’t have yet, like a double bed…or a car. It begins to bubble up when everyone around me is married or in a relationship, because I want one of man of my own.
I shudder when I think about acting like that girl I was just talking about, but what is even scarier is that I am that girl sometimes. Yes, I’ve changed and gotten better at controlling the outbursts of dishonor, submission, and respect, but I don’t have it down pat. It still happens. More than I like.
Fortunately, I have two amazing parents who are loving and quick to reprimand me in my faults. Without them, I am sure I would be one horrible person to be around…
Thankfully, by God’s grace, I can look forward to forgiveness. Without this knowledge I would feel completely crushed; there would be no point in living.
Jesus has said: “I tell you, her sins — and they are many — have been forgiven, so she has shown me much love. But a person who is forgiven little shows only little love. Then Jesus said to the woman, ‘Your sins are forgiven.'” – Luke 7:47 & 48
“I tell you the truth, all sin and blasphemy can be forgiven.” Mark 3:38
This gives me so much humility and respect to know that even though I have sinned, He is quick to forgive, even after I had put Him on the cross. It makes me feel small…like a child, whose father has forgiven her of her sins many times.
how i can change
I am not a lost cause. I can change and I will change. Yes, it will take time, but it can be done.
With God, all things are possible, whether it means I can make these struggles leave me (by God’s grace), or I can meet a deadline, or get through the trials that are tormenting me. Whatever the trouble may be, He is faithful to make the change and this…this knowledge is how I can and will change.
I just want to share some encouragement with you…
If you feel lost and surrounded by your struggles, whether they be a personal struggle or something that has happened in your life, you can get through it.
The Bible isn’t just a book full of “good-doers” or “sinless people”, it is filled with sinning people, who have come to God for forgiveness and grace and he has granted it and has used them for HIS kingdom! From a quote I found on Pinterest one day – “Jacob was a cheater, Peter had a temper, David had an affair, Noah got drunk, Jonah ran from God, Paul was a murderer, Gideon was insecure, Miriam was a gossip, Martha was a worrier, Thomas was a doubter, Sarah was impatient, Elijah was moody, Moses stuttered, Zaccheus was short, Abraham was old, Lazarus was dead.” If these amazing followers of Christ were praised so highly by God, how much more can he use me?
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 1 Corinthians 12:9I will receive commission on any sales made on my blog. To learn more, read my disclosure policy.